Thursday, January 04, 2007

Resetting calender with a "new game +" called 2007

The title is a little video game pun, heh heh, (gad I'm a nerd)

Anyway, here we are, 2007. Do we feel any different from last year? Not really. But will it be as exciting as last year? probably not, but you never know?

Highlights from last year were, my sister getting married, and me moving out to Vancouver. Other highlights were cleaning up the pack rat house, and my mom closing her Chinese healing group she had created and FINALLY enjoying her retirement. I guess this year if you think about it. It's been a very family oriented year, something that hasn't happened in a while, and it's great.

I sit at my computer, thinking about all that has happened in the past year and reflect. (I'm also listening to BT (Brian Transeau) - Satellite, excellent song. If you want to listen to something as you read this, this is the song I'll have been listening to the entire time I wrote this post.)

What a wild year it's been. I mean every year has had something special, this year is just as nutty as the last.

It also had me wondering what will even happen this year. I have goals I'd like to accomplish this year, but really since this is the beginning, who knows what will happen. I sometimes envy the lives of people who can live it on the fly and by the moment, and every so often I try and do the same. But my tendency is to think it through well and plan things out accordingly, and well... it's gotten me this far so I have to be doing something right!

I decided to post that picture I did of *ahem* "myself"and I remember it well last year. At that point, I had failed animation. I knew it was something I wanted to pursuit, but I didn't want to go back again for another round. I had failed twice now, and with the new programs curriculum for the 3 year course (me and my class being the guinea pigs of the new 3 year) I decided that it was time I did it on my own. I had many friends fail out with me that were all going back, but that was it for me. Failing twice? I know when I'm beat.. on this field of play at least, but I wasn't going to let that stop me from reaching my goal.

At that time, I also had to consider looking for a job, I didn't want to bum it up and not make any money.

And well... like has happened before... I found myself at a turning point. A point where I had to choose.

After living out in Vancouver the previous summer, I knew that it would be the only place in Canada I'd consider moving too. So it then came down to a choice. Friends played a crucial role in my decision but also... it's Vancouver, a gorgeous departure from Ottawa's rather bland scenery and social scene.

I have expressed this before in previous posts. I have a love/hate relationship with Ottawa (city of origin) I like it in the retrospect that I regard it as a good city to live in... when you have a family. I have lots of friends there (2 to 1 degree's of separation, I swear) What I don't like about it was it's conservative nature, it's cold winters, abysmal night life (and even more abysmal was the attitude problem a majority of the women have in Ottawa), and it's primary industry... government. So it came time to choose.

That picture was sort of a representation of how I was feeling, and.. kinda what I was dressed like when I was thinking about it. (Winter, bumming it up at home) I tried to illustrate a "thinking" expression or lost in thought type idea. Again, I had reached a turning point.

I had a previous turning point back when I was in University. I was working and doing a university course I didn't like. It was a miserable time. I didn't know where my life was going or how I was going to lasso it down. I was working through a course that I slept through, wasting time and money. Working a job I was unsatisfied with. Until I finally broke free and went to College for animation, where I finally felt amongst the like minded, and ultimately, comfortable.

In fact, I don't really express this to everyone but, I'll share it to whoever reads this because who knows. Either you've been there, you haven't, or you'll call me a pussy or emo. To that I say " Your opinion" because these are my growing pains. My coming of age.

After about a year into animation the second time around, my friend Dave invited me out to the University bar which has pub night every Thursday. I decided to come out since my university card was still good for ID to get in. When I got there, and sort of had a chance to gaze around the crowd and take it all in, I realized I didn't fit in. And not that I didn't fit in, its like I had come back. Back to a time where life was guiding me. I lacked control and direction, I was lost. All these people seemed so confident in whatever major or pursuit they had in university. I never had that feeling ever when I was there. I suddenly thought back for a moment about college and how I had felt like I belonged, and how I was amongst people like me. And I suddenly broke down. I went out to the smoking section to a corner and was overcome with emotions. but not out loud or anything. Thinking about college made me reflect on the time I was at university and how completely lost and ambitionless my life was, and the feelings came in a tidal wave. It was like I had taken a step back in time, and it was to a time where my life was adrift. I was out there for a good 40 minutes until I went inside, told Dave I was leaving and then left. I haven't stepped back in that bar since then.

Perhaps when I look back at things now, maybe those tears were mixed with ones of happiness. Happiness in the fact that I had a place I could go back to and be amongst friends, classmates.. and the feeling of belonging.

To the people reading this right now.. if you have lived your life by the seat of the pants, maybe you can't relate to me. But for those who have been down this path, I share my experience with you. For those who haven't walked this path. If you can, avoid it. but if so, I hope that I would have been some help with this story of my life and my experience.

It's wild really... Reflecting on how things have worked out. Is there anything about the past year I would have changed? Nothing, and not for the world.

If there is one thing I can take from the people who live by the moment, it's that I have no regrets, no qualms. I seek to live today for today, and plan for tomorrow. So I say to you 2007, for whatever may happen in the year to ensue.. bring it on!

- Family & Friends