Sunday, March 11, 2007

Long time coming

Hey everyone out there who is reading this, probably not, I've been spending alot of time on Facebook and it's occupied alot of time I've been spending instead of posting here, so I'm back and I'll try not to neglect my blog spot.

Originally, I didn't post because anything because I was thinking, " How do I follow up my years end/ beginning post? It was pretty epic stuff (at least I thought) but then again... it's my blog I can post whatever I want so here I am with an update on life. Although it's not going to be as uplifting as my new years post, but hey, this is life.

Well, I'm working into my 7th month here at MFW, and work is good and life in general is good. Maybe it's just today I feel I have the winter blues (even though it's not much of a winter here in Van) or I'm just depressed. Why should I be though? I'm in vancouver, I have a job, and my friends are out here. But something is lacking.. and thats the feeling of being completed.

At work, I have friends, but just friends from work. I want to get to know people better, but I feel a distance in the depth of how much I know everyone. Everyone here has gone to school together, so everyone knows each other well. I feel like I'm on the outside looking in. Thats why I try and go out every time the group goes out for dinner run to try and get to know everyone better, but I still can't help but feel distant.

Theres also a bit of office politics that I'm encountering. At least from the group I've moved into. Generally it's not all good, and I know where my place is in the group as the newbie, but this probably has something to do with the feeling left out part. where the rest of my group has been part of this for 8 months I've just come on board. And while I'm not going to get into it.. it's not exactly motivating to say the least...

Heh heh, maybe I'm in a state of depression... because I'm thinking as I'm writing this and it struck me that I might be depressed. I think the factors are a combination of lack of an intimate relationship, home sickness, the rain and low pressure system? Or all of the above.

When I see everyone at work talking with each other as I have my headphones on while plugging away at my work, while Chris my supervisor breathes down my neck... (with good intention) I can't help but feel home sick about my friends from animation and the fun we had. Not to say that it won't happen again, but theres that level of comfort I haven't reached yet with people at work, and it'll come in time I'm sure. But it's something I miss. I guess I was at a level of comfort I can talk to my friends at home about anything. And since I feel distant from people at work, I kinda miss the comfort of my friends from animation. And not just my friends from animation, my friend John and his family. I liked going over there spending time with the kids, talking with John about what new stuff he's going to buy, Misa preparing awesome food. Even being home, and my mom's home cooked meals. Wow... yeah I guess I'm home sick!

In terms of intimate relationship... yeah thats a toughie. I'm positive I'm just not assertive enough, I lack confidence, and my shyness. Just insecure in general. I really have no reason too be this way when I think about it logically. I have a good job, I love what I do, and I get paid pretty decently. However I choke alot or I miss chances. This past valentines day... wow.. I felt like the loneliest guy on the planet... I sort of half ass tried Lavalife but everytime I send a smiley no one replies. heh heh, It's like applying for jobs and not hearing anything back from anywhere, it gets quite disheartening after a while.

I see my friends who have girlfriends and I feel happy for them, yet at the sametime think. "Why can't I find someone that awesome?" I'm not even looking for the sex (at the moment... what... I'm a guy!) I'm looking for someone to talk to someone who I can share moments with and enjoy... haha sounds like I want to settle down hahaha! I don't know, but I do feel lonely in the relationship department... it's been a while since I've had a girl, and a LONG time since I've had a girlfriend..

I tend to also think that, " My work requires me for long hours of being there, so I wouldn't feel good if I couldn't give someone else the time and dedication that I feel they need and deserve" And that kind of thought also prevents me from getting into a relationship. Perhaps it's an excuse, but it's just who I am as a person, but maybe that aspect of me needs to change.

I dont know why it's bothering me so much these days.. Maybe since I'm working it's no longer something to think about, and I've moved on to areas of my life I feel are lacking... and these are what I think is affecting me right now.

maybe my next post will be alittle more positive, but in the meantime for the moment... I guess I'm depressed, but the best part is, these days will pass and so will these feelings. So I'm pretty sure my next post will be a positive one... or not, but hey.. thats life!